Uh oh, you found me out! I’m a relationship nerd. If we’ve related at all, you might have picked up on it. Lately I’ve been putting a lot of thought and energy into how I approach relating so as to better honor myself and those I relate with. I’m a fan of open sourcing information, so it makes sense for me to put everything I’ve hoarded out there for all my favorite people to comb through. This is a repository of the resources and knowledge I’ve resonated with and found helpful!
This is all coming from a viewpoint of ENM, and more specifically, Polyamory. However, I’ve found that the ideas and frameworks here are widely applicable to everything from casual connections, to friendships, to deeply involved romantic relationships, and anything in between. It’s important to note that I’m approaching all of this from the standpoint of a white, cis-het presenting, penis owner with a relatively small amount of ENM dating experience and, at one point, an ~18 year committed relationship. My bias is towards forming long term relationships with a good amount of depth.
You’ll undoubtedly draw some conclusions from the insights and ideas I’ve saved/highlighted on a given topic. My hope is that you may gain insight into your own styles of relating and hopefully find some tools that can help you approach various aspects of relating with a more intentional mindset.
General Resources
Below are some resources I’ve found useful. These are mostly blogs or podcasts that can help expose you to various viewpoints and as such, insights and recontextualizations. There are also links to help regarding structuring a legal framework that honors all your relationships and resources for counseling and therapy with providers that self-identify as friendly to or knowledgeable on alternative relationship structures.
https://shrimpteeth.com/home + worksheets
Reddit Community Resource List
https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/
https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/start-here
https://chosenfamilylawcenter.org/poly-families-project
The Most Skipped Step + addendum
On being a feminist man in non-monogamy
Books
I’ve enjoyed reading about and integrating a wide array of books that contribute to my understanding of how to create healthy relationships. Some of these also contain more direct frameworks and tools you can apply to your relationships that I’ve found helpful. The books I’d prioritize integrating are as follows:
Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, Polysecure, Emotional Intelligence, Designer Relationships, Emotional Agility, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy, Come as You Are, and The Polyamory Breakup Book.
Books on my TBR or that I’m currently reading that I expect to lend further insight into who I am, how I interact with others, and how to be a better partner:
Unmasking Autism, Bittersweet, The Ethical Slut, Polywise, Pleasure Activism, Shameless Sex, The Gifts of Imperfection, How to Know a Person, No Bad Parts, The Science of Stuck, Is This Normal?
Further reading I’ve enjoyed that ties into the themes of healthier relating, being a good human, and polyamory.
How to Be Perfect, What Happened To You?, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, What My Bones Know, PolyLand, Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory, The Art of Loving, Stumbling on Happiness, The Course of Love.
Just the Podcasts
Don’t have time to read? No problem, a huge amount of the knowledge I’ve gained has come from podcasts. A few that I can recommend are Multiamory, Modern Anarchy, Making Polyamory Work, Non-Monogamy Help, Empowered Poly, and Nope! We’re Not Monogamous. Unfortunately, most of that knowledge and insight is not represented anywhere here in text. However, these specific episodes provide a great primer on what I consider amongst the most impactful ideas. If you read or listen to nothing else, listen to and internalize these:
Fairness, Hierarchy, Sneakiarchy, Boundaries, Communication (RADAR + PDF), Insecurities, Discomfort, Breaking Up, Accountability, Escalation, Codependance.
Other Podcasts
These aren’t specifically limited to relationship learning. Rather, these are podcasts that touch on a wide range of topics that have resonated deeply with me and helped me better understand myself. This, in turn, helps me relate more authentically with others.
We Can Do Hard Things, Unlocking Us, Where Should We Begin?, All There Is with Anderson Cooper, Hidden Brain, Road to Resilience, Sex Ed for the Modern Bed, Shameless Sex.
Bringing Intention into Relationships
I practice relationship anarchy, allowing my relationships to be both highly negotiated to what each individual wants or needs, and allowing my relationships to flow from one form to the next. That takes a lot of understanding about what each partner wants/needs and what each partner is open to and can offer. Creating that shared understanding and commitment can take some time and a good amount of in depth conversation.
The below tools are the “big 3” that have been most useful for me in understanding where a partner and I align and in what areas we don’t match up. Sometimes, this means the relationship is going to be shorter term, but no less impactful or important. Other times it means we go our separate ways without investing more time or energy than makes sense for either of us.
Having discussions using these tools can help us understand where we each are, honor that, set expectations accordingly, and enjoy what we experience while we’re together. AND if you prefer not to use any of these tools, that’s also great! These are what I enjoy using, but there’s nothing wrong with having a less structured or involved conversation around what kind of relationship you want to share with a given person.
The Non-Escalator Relationship Menu
The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord
Frameworks for Communication
If you only use one framework to enhance your relationships, make it this one: HEARTS is an excellent framework you can use to understand how you can create a secure attachment with a partner.
There are tons of different systems and frameworks out there that you can use to build deeper relationships and develop communication skills. Some of those tools are captured above, like RADAR, but I also enjoy using the TriForce Of Communication when I remember to. I also wanted to offer some more personal anecdotes that I use in my own life with my primary partner.
Something I’ve really enjoyed is creating my my own code words with my primary partner. For instance, we each have a “heartword” that we use as a shorthand to demonstrate that we deeply enjoyed something the other did. My partner brought me ice cream? Heartword! We also have a “spoonword” that we invoke when we’re out of spoons and simply need support and cuddles. Recently, we’ve been working on figuring out a way to share symbolic kisses as kissing is a primary means of sharing physical intimacy for me, and there are times when my partner has something on their lips and doesn’t necessarily want me to smear my lips all over it.
My point is these are ways my partner and I have been able to understand what we each need. We’ve put systems in place so that, though we might not entirely understand, we can honor what the other person is wanting or needing without putting the burden of emotional processing on them in that moment.
Sex
Sex and sexuality are things I’m intentionally exploring in my own life so this will likely expand. For now, I can highly recommend reading Come as You Are as a way to better understand your own sexuality and approaching the sexuality of others without judgement. I’ve also left some resources below that I have found helpful in my journey and may be helpful for you as well. Your best friend here, as in all things relational, is going to be communication.
The Triangle of Consent – Essential for all kinds of relating and especially applicable to sex.
Erotic Blueprint – I’ve found this a useful test to help you understand and communicate what sex means to you. You’ll have to ignore some marketing at the end and unsubscribe from a mailing list though.
Types of Intimacy – I added this here as I think men particularly have a tendency to conflate intimacy with sex. Knowing what kind(s) of intimacy you’re seeking and being able to effectively communicate them is a massively helpful skill in any relationship.
Therapy
Perhaps the best investment you can make in your self and your relationships is therapy. I’ve been in therapy since January of 2024 and holy shit I cannot stress how much it’s changed my awareness and understanding of myself, what I seek in relationship, and a million other things that impact how I relate with others. It’s incredibly worth it, and while the therapist I see does not take insurance (hello privilege, my old friend), they do operate on a sliding scale.
As I’ve alluded to above, access to therapy is not as widely available as it should be and I’m undeniably privileged to be able to work with a private practice. If you’re able to access therapy, I cannot recommend it enough. Your first therapist, or first few, may not be the right fit, but finding that fit is so worth it. Your partner(s) and your future self will thank you.
https://www.polyfriendly.org/categories/
Ideas I Resonate With
I find it helpful to have some grounding ideals that I apply to all my relationships. This helps keep me centered and true to myself when things like NRE or anxiety start to have an outsized impact. These are the things I come back to when I need to check that a relationship is living up to my standards, to ensure I’m living up to my standards in a given relationship, or if I need to create some boundaries around a specific person I’m relating to. There are also quotes that simply resonate with me, especially in regards to relating outside of the traditional escalator ascribed by society. Below are my ideals, I’d encourage you to write your own down so that you can come back to them when you’re struggling.
~
Actions over intentions. Make time for me, be excited for me, reciprocate my energy. Yes isn’t permanent. No is not always a rejection, nor is it a referendum on your personal worth. Recognize that you can do and say all the right things and that sometimes it just doesn’t work out. A relationship ending isn’t always a failure and the value of a relationship is not measured by its length. No one deserves to be tossed aside like they’re disposable. Love is not a good enough reason to commit.
Assume good intentions, cherish the experience, love fiercely, hold lightly. Expectations aren’t necessary, accountability is. Don’t mix up acting nice with being a genuinely good person. Autonomy and personal responsibility are two sides of the same coin. Polyamory is a crash course in love, communication, and our own hang ups. Kindness and love are all there is.
To define is to limit. – Oscar Wilde
Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.
All this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings – Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail
~
The Rest
See the scrollbar over there? This section is why that’s so small. These are general ideas and insights I’ve pulled from various sites that I found resonated with me or helped provide insight in areas I didn’t/don’t have experience in. By and large, these are ethical or philosophical discussions that I’ve pulled my favorite comments and sentiments from. It’s all very poorly formatted, and I doubt that’s going to change 🙂
There are a ton of different topics listed below so feel free to search them by topic; defining what love is, love over time, emotional labor, early questions, things I look for, vetting potential partners, “sex, barriers, & testing”, casual with connection, being a good hinge, communication and levels of engagement, whether polyamory is a choice or identity, dating highly coupled folx, interdependence and avoidance, dealing with dates & jealousy, common mistakes, boundaries and agreements, imbalance in dating success, working through incompatibility, polyam breakups, coping with stress, “racism, poc, and doing better as a white person in polyamory”, taking a break, frustration in dating, cultivating attractive traits, standards, attachment, veto power, “emotional intimacy, enmeshment, and internalizers”.
~Quick Ideas~
Be wary of your desire to just seek proof of your goodness, rather than actually being a good person by being open to learning about ways you can be a better ally.
Give up on trying to be perfect. It just gets in the way. Get used to process. You fuck up, you learn, you grow.
Actively invite conversations before, during, and after a hookup to check if you are on the same page and have similar ideas about what it all means.
It’s up to both of you to initiate reality check conversations: “what are you expecting after this? what do you think this means? are you ok with this if it’s casual? Are you ok with this if it’s serious? Do we understand each other properly?” Those conversations are not a one-time thing, just as you can’t get one-time consent to touch somebody. Consent is continuous and has to be established through ongoing check-ins.
Casual sex – sex without commitment to building attachment security, sex focused on sensation or in the moment feelings rather than showing up in a committed secure attached way – needs to be discussed as casual so both people involved can feel respected and cared for.
Do not tell the other person what you think they want to hear – you do not know what they want to hear. Do not say the thing that is easy for you to say, or oversimplify in order to keep them happy (and making out with you) in the moment. This kind of fuzzy communication can end up being dishonest communication. You are responsible to be self-aware and communicative so the other can make informed consent decisions.
If your feelings change, recognize and name the change and be present to your own emotions and the emotions of the other. Honor your own needs and act in an accessible, responsive, attuned way to the needs of the other person. If you were interested in a possible partnership or in an ongoing relationship, and then aren’t or are less sure, and you feel bad about that, do not avoid saying so to make your life easier. Just name the emotion proactively as it shifts and be available and present to the changes in the other as you express your needs. Try things like this: “I felt this way when I said and did that, but things have changed, and this is how I feel now. This is why and when they changed. I feel bad that I let you down or inadvertently misled you. Are you ok, and what do you need?” As you express yourself, act in a kind, responsive way to the needs of the other person, even as you listen to your own needs.
Being responsive to your own needs at the same time as you respond to the real needs of the other in an attuned, emotionally present way is the mature life-skill you’re aiming for.
Don’t mix up your internal defensiveness, which can arise at having your real privilege pointed out, with the external message you are receiving. Is there trust being offered to you behind anger or critique – trust that you’re the kind of person who is open to growth and change? Notice that trust, and earn it.
Knowing how to recognize and honor your own needs at the same time as those of a lover, or former lover, has got its own energy. It lets you love from a deeply grounded place. People can feel that. And fuck is it sexy.
Actively taking on the identity of a feminist man means you are equally responsible to do your own research and actively notice these things. Help your friends of all genders see them. Realize this is your responsibility. If you miss something, you don’t do the work yourself, and someone has to approach you with a way in which they feel you’ve been sexist or clueless, don’t make them convince you. Stretch yourself.
Consider it your responsibility to be continually self-reflexive about your actions and their effects. Don’t wait to be taught, because that puts multiple burdens on the other: to understand and name the harm that’s affecting them, and to take the risk to talk to you about it, and to find language to articulate it in a way you’ll hear. Those things all take a lot of energy and are not easy.
Human beings are not interchangeable, fungible entities who freely enter into contractual relations; we are limbically and physiologically interdependent and need each other to live. It is a very privileged position to be able to retreat to your individualism when you have harmed someone, rather than being in relation with them, and staying present for the change as that relation shifts out of a romantic one to something new and long-term you both are comfortable with.
If you cause harm, even by accident, and someone calls you on it, and you believe we are all mutually interdependent, ‘i need space’ is not an acceptable response. You can take space to get your head clear so you can listen and know yourself better – but that kind of space is measured in hours, or at most days.
Get used to being uncomfortable and learning to have loving, clear, and interconnected boundaries that honor your internal voices as well as the needs of the other humans you share this planet and this community with – that is where learning happens.
Saying ‘sorry’ only means something if your behavior changes.
If they [feelings of guilt and shame] prevent you from being responsive and accountable, they cause more harm than good. Learn to recognize the difference between internal feelings of guilt or shame, and the external messages you are receiving or reality you are observing.
If you find yourself disregarding something she is saying because she is upset as she is saying it, notice that this is sexism. You may have been raised to believe emotion is not rational and is therefore not legitimate. That is for you to unlearn, not for you to impose on others. Emotion and intuition, when finely honed, serve clear thinking. Don’t retreat into your head or use logic to disconnect from empathy when you find emotions coming your way; clear thinking is informed by ethics and compassion. Build up your capacity to feel and to respond to feelings in a rational, intuitive, self-aware way. You’ll be more human for it, and a better feminist, too. – not a fan of how gendered this is, strongly resonates otherwise.
Sometimes, as Adrienne Maree Brown has written, “being wrong is a gift.” Be “grateful for your mistakes and for the interdependence that lets you maintain relationships through them.”
~
On Defining What Love Is & Different Forms
Brene Brown’s definition of love: “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”
Bell Hooks definition leans on love as a verb, as something we choose, highlighting nurturance, accountability, responsibility and commitment to ourselves and the other.
According to M. Scott Peck, love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
Paraphrased from a Bandcamp article about Cometa: Love is an ongoing dialog of shared passion and discovery.
Unrequited Love: The depth of feeling of which we are capable is the ultimate expression of our humanity, and our relative helplessness before it is perhaps the essence of what makes us human.
Some ideas from Carsie Blanton: Love is just not a good enough reason to commit to somebody (trust me, I’ve tried). You need a few other ingredients: mutuality, compatibility, and availability, for starters.
In my book, love means looking at a person, understanding who they are, and being willing to support them in becoming the fullest, happiest, and most inspired version of themselves, even if it hurts your feelings.
Falling in love means taking your thin-skinned little muffin heart out of its cushioned case, unwrapping its protective layers of fear, cynicism and irony, and shoving it unceremoniously into rush hour traffic. If you actually admit that you’ve fallen in love, things get worse. Even in the statistically unlikely scenario that it goes well (e.g.: the love is mutual and kind and fulfilling and long-lasting), your smooshy, gushy heart will not survive the ordeal unscathed. At risk of plagiarizing the Everly Brothers (or, God forbid, Nazareth): love hurts, folks. Like a motherfucker.
Love is not necessarily serious or long lasting, and furthermore, it’s not there to make us happy. It’s there to make us grow.
Waking up heartbroken is like waking up after a day of unusually hard work: your heart, like any other muscle, gets sore with heavy use. After the first hundred-or-so times, you realize it’s the good kind of sore: the kind that tells you that you’re capable of more today than you were yesterday.
I’m more demi than he is, so it can take me longer to “vet” people even just as friends (which to me, friendship is love but a different kind of love) – and at any point, any one of us can/has/will have an honest conversation about it. Usually along the lines of “I really like you and care about you deeply, am happy & fulfilled with our current relationship, and I am open to a more intimate development in our relationship, what are your thoughts?”
~
“Love is a choice. It’s the choice to accept who the other person is. A choice to support them in their growth, while knowing it is ultimately their choice to grow. Infatuation is the initial feeling that causes us to overlook another person’s flaws, and that feeling fades. But you make the choice to love, and so it can last forever.” — Eleanor Johnson, 28, Randolph, N.J.
“The best relationships are the ones where both parties think they’re getting the better end of the deal.” — Joel Murray, 39, Melbourne, Australia
“Don’t ask, ‘How do I feel about them?’ Ask, ‘When I’m with them, how do I feel about me?’ ” — Paul Franklin Stregevsky, 65, Poolesville, Md.
“Just choose it. Folx spend so much time looking for it, waiting for it, only to agonize over it when it shows up. Next time you’re chatting someone up just ask yourself: ‘Is this person someone I could love?’ If your insides say yes, then love them and build a life together. Stop wondering and dithering. Find someone to love and get on with all the goodness it brings. That said, things change, and life knocks us around. Just before I was wheeled in for open heart surgery, I told my partner of 16 years (and husband of six years) that the most important thing he could do if I died during surgery was to fall in love again.” — Joshua Saunders, 43, Atlanta
“Always assume goodwill. When something is said or done which harms you or interferes with your physical or emotional well-being, if you assume the person was acting with goodwill, you will respond with respect and caring instead of anger and confrontation. It opens the lines of communication instead of setting up defensiveness.” — Candee Van Iderstine, 68, Davidsonville, Md.
~
As for your own boundaries, consider how often the care you give is reciprocated. Are you making compromises to your time, energy, or autonomy that aren’t being made for you? And more importantly, are you being asked to compromise on those things to prevent a partner from working through their discomfort? I often see this play out in the form of rules like no overnights, or taking specific sex acts off the table. A better method than compromising imo would be co-regulation – your partner expresses their discomfort around your connection, you express your love for them and reconnect. You hold each other through it.
One big problem that I’ve actually had in a similar but not identical vein, was realizing that not everyone I’m sexually interested in would make a good friend without sex. Specifically because I’m a really good listener and I can be very supportive, and tend to be willing to give emotional labor to anyone I’m connecting with, but not all of those people are willing or able to return that emotional labor.
What I’ve run into is having those people who aren’t really willing to return emotional labor, or fulfill any friendship needs I even have, expect to keep me as a friend in the “we are close and hang out regularly sense” because they want the emotional labor, but they’re no longer actually offering me anything because the emotional labor was never symmetrical, and now I can’t really fulfill my need for affection, or even sex there, so there isn’t anything, whereas at least before I was comfortable with a fun flirty date and ideally some sexual gratification worked into the mix, along with being a supportive voice who can provide emotional labor.
I used to think I had to offer the friend-therapy thing and just do emotional labor regardless of anything else, but tbh, I realized it was creating awful boundaries and it was turning me into a happiness pump. Relationships shouldn’t really be transactional, but they need to be reciprocal to be healthy, and I was ending up in less-healthy situations by keeping myself in friendships that were defined entirely by me providing emotional labor to others.
Now if they can fulfill their end of a healthy platonic friendship, that’s a different story, or if by friend they mean “amicable break up, where we occasionally check in or run into each other on friendly terms” that’s fine too. But I’ve also thought about what you’re talking about, where friend saturation is a thing, and it’s way too easy to end up hanging out with people who get something from me, but where it doesn’t even really fulfill my needs for friendship.
~
On Early Questions (These too!)
I personally like to be upfront about my situation – how many partners, how much time I can commit to an additional partnership, what my ideal relationship looks like, and I will ask the person I am on a date with the same questions.
To me, asking about other partners is just part of regular getting to know conversation. Like “oh, what do you do for work? Do you have any brothers and sisters? Oh, I’m originally from Ohio” type convo.
This way, you can quickly determine if you’re incompatible where these logistical items are concerned. Does she want more time than you can give or visa versa? Do either of you prefer partners with limited # of other partners or happy with a bigger polycule? DADT, parallel, GPP, or KTP? What agreements do you have in your other relationships that can or will impact this one?
It doesn’t have to be a deep, scary conversation. I usually phrase it as “Tell me a bit about how poly looks for you”.
Be cognizant of how much you’re talking about other partners, this is a first date after all and should primarily be about the two of you.
Also for the record, I love when people want to schedule a second date at the end of the first, rather than waiting a couple days to bring it up.
For me I like to know how busy they are and what their sexual health profile is (in broad terms, like how often they test). I don’t necessarily talk about their partners in specific or how many, but it does come up in conversation which is expected and fine.
Be ready to talk about what you’re looking for. Like, what your “upper limit is” or any rules/boundaries that they will have to work around. Also, be ready to have an idea of what “a relationship” (not just fun meeting dates) looks like. Honesty upfront helps.
Things like what amount of space do you have? What kinda relationship are you open to? Are there anything that’s definitely going to NOT be on the table? How hierarchical are you, and is there anything you’ve promised exclusivity about?
I feel free to talk about my own relationship situation and ask about that of my date, right from the beginning. I make it very clear that this is because I want to know how much time and energy they actually have to offer. This part happens before we even get started. I don’t want to waste time with unavailable people.
~
On Things I Look For (Others)
Kindness, clever conversation, a partner who cares about my sexual pleasure and can read my reactions, intellectual curiosity, fun, aligned sense of humor, being active, overlapping interests that we enjoy and work on together, unique passions so they have their own interests they cultivate.
Show some interest in me as a person. Ask questions, and actually listen to the answers.
Please be able to write more than 5 word responses to questions when you connect on apps. Even better, ask a return question!
Kindness and empathy are the most important for me. If someone shrugs at the big issues of the world I’m just out. I care. I want to not be the only one in the room who cares.
Being happy to share – I want to be an active participant in my partners’ lives. I want to hear about their day, I want to hear about that dream they had, I want to know what their ambitions are – and I don’t want to have to pry just to get it out of them.
The wish to be the best we can be – an active interest in self-improvement is the best. They grow, you grow, everyone grows.
Not taking themselves seriously. – It’s not just about being funny for me, it’s about also finding themselves funny. Overcompensation or overreactions to mishaps are exhausting – but having a good chuckle about the little idiocies in life is a fun bonding experience. I want to think “He’s a dork, but he’s my dork.” – and I want them to think the same about me.
ETA: Also, conflict resolution skills. We all have some toxic behavior during conflict and that’s okay – but if even getting to the point of going “Okay, let’s see how we can fix this” is already a challenge, I’m out. A guy who can say “I got angry because […] and I would appreciate it if in the future you […]” is bliss.
Be good at sex. Actually pay attention to your partner during sex. Give all the shits about turning your partner on and them having a good time. Eat pussy. Learn to fuck in ways women actually enjoy.
Be interesting. Know a lot about something, whether it’s the local weird techno music subgenre scene or your carpentry hobby or the history of Italian antifascist movements or stage lighting or whatever else. Preferably multiple somethings.
Learn to cook. Just. Learn to fucking cook. You’re 30 and you can’t roast a chicken, it’s not cute.
Be a whole ass person. Even if you’re looking for more casual things, you have more to offer than just your sexual skills or body. Let people get to know you, and get to know people.
Excitement and passion about life. Apathy is the death of interest for me.
~
Have a “zeroth date” – the first time you get together is just to hang out and check compatibilty. If things go well, then start dating!
I always ask (even if I think I know them well) what their experience with enm is. It’s often “ermmm nothing?” Which is a no-go for me. But if they can list what they’ve read, listened to or discussed I can be willing to continue conversing with them.
People in a previously monogamous couple who haven’t disentangled and reconstructed their relationship
People in a previously monogamous couple who opened up because their relationship needed a fix
People in a previously monogamous couple where the other partner is reluctant or suffering from the openness
People in a previously monogamous couple who have a lot of rules in order to protect their partner’s emotions
Newbies who are ready to settle for less because they say they don’t need a relationship where the other person meets all their needs
Newbies who haven’t studied the material; if they are not ready to learn from other people’s mistakes they will learn from their own
Newbies who can’t tell about that one time they felt jealous and how they handled it
Newbies who have severe or frequent monogamous communication hiccups
Yeah, I’m also a no on arbitrary rules. In a similar vein, I simply refuse to date men who won’t spend the night because they have to sleep next to their nesting partner so she feels better about him leaving.
I prefer those who are cautiously enthusiastic and who are self-aware enough to know that there is a lot that they don’t know and that theory and practice are two very different things.
A life of avoiding heartaches is not a life worth living. Love is a contact sport.
My “process” is:
-do they seem nice?
-if offline – did they react poorly when I told them I was polyamorous? if online – did they say they were polyamorous on their profile?
–are they sex positive, trans inclusive, anti-racist, anti-ableist feminists who want to deconstruct systems of oppression and redistribute wealth equitably? Or, if they’re not the sort of person who really knows what those words mean, are they unusually nice and driven by compassion in a way that their actions will reflect this?
-are the dates fun? Is the sex good?
-do they react in a way that i find unpleasant when I have sex with someone else? Or when I spend lots of time and give love and affection with someone else? Or if i leave them alone for a couple days?
-Do they yell or get mean and sarcastic or hit when they don’t like something?
-are there a bunch of barriers to sex, dates, sleepovers, etc coming from their other partners, is there a veto structure or anything like that? (This is acceptable in a fwb)
~
I currently go barrier free with one partner after we both got tested and physically shared results with each other. They also have a vasectomy which was a huge factor in the decision. We had this conversation about 3 months into seeing each other.
We have agreed to inform each other of any new partners or changes to barrier use with current partners to keep each other up to date on risk exposure changes.
It’s never too early to ask, as long as you can take no for an answer gracefully and immediately. It’s always too early to plead, pressure, or bargain about barrier use. Ditto asking mid-scene.
I do not have sex with people who are not 100% honest when it comes to sexual and emotional safety. Having sex with me after a change in your sexual or relationship status without telling me is a huge betrayal.
When was your last test?
What were the results?
How many sexual partners have you been with since the test?
Did those partners receive an STI/STD test before sex with you?
Did you engage in sex with any of the partners who tested positive with any STI?
Personally, I find how they respond dictates their opinion on the matter. Having an STI isn’t a hard no for me, as long as steps can be taken to cure it prior to sex. If somebody’s mature about it and is willing to have a conversation without it being super cringe they’re probably telling me the truth. If somebody seems impatient or gets really defensive, I’m not going to have sex with them.
This is also a nice indicator for just how they will behave in a relationship. Let’s face it, life is gross and uncomfortable sometimes. Can this person be an adult about it?
Come up with your safer sex elevator speech, and before things get sexy, go through it and ask your partner to share theirs. Takes maybe 5 minutes tops if you practice it. My outline below.
Right now I have (number) regular sex partners,
(and I don’t use barriers with (number) of them).
I get tested for STIs every (timeframe)
and last got tested around (time).
Tests were (all negative, negative except (STI/s I have))
and since then I’ve had (number) other sex partners
which (is typical for me, will likely increase now that I’m doing more dating, will likely decrease if I find a new regular partner, etc).
With new people I normally (any protection you use) and (any sex acts you favor/avoid).
I prevent pregnancy by (method/s)
and if pregnancy happens I would (action).
FYI, please avoid (any hard limits that might come up).
If any of that changes I will update you before sex happens again.
What about you?
Bonus planning! If you go through that and someone discloses they
are cool with unprotected sex with new people
haven’t been tested lately
were tested but not for herpes
have HSV1
have HSV2
have HPV or a partner who had it recently
have HIV which is undetectable
…what are you going to be comfortable doing sexually with this person today if anything, and what do you need to know before you do more?
~
On Casual With Connection (shrimpteeth)
Casual can be fun, respectful and easy. And over time, maybe you have a connection.
I think people often forget that casual ongoing relationships are just as tricky as full polyam partnerships.
If it’s a connection when you need it to be, but it’s casual when you don’t want to deal with the emotional labor of a relationship, that would be a free ride.
Casual with connection often means they want you to do the emotional labor of a relationship, but without any of the commitment or emotional labor on their end.
Ask them questions about what they’re hoping to get out of a relationship, how long their relationships have lasted, and how they ended.
Sounds like “local comet” to me! It’s not about building anything, it’s about occasionally having a shared experience then returning to the rest of your life until the next time your schedules align.
~
Schedule dedicated time alone
If I spend time out with others, then I schedule quality time with my nesting partner too
I like to check in with both my partners regularly to make sure they don’t feel left out or neglected or whatever.
Admit fault. Sometimes it IS me. I need to own this and get over myself and do the right thing so that we can move on.
Don’t get so hung up on the fear of being a Bad Hinge or Asking Too Much Of People You Are Asking To Do Something Hard that you stop asking for things that are important to you.
Check in early and often with each partner about what’s appropriate to share and what’s not.
Own your choices. If one partner asks for something that impacts another, and you agree to it, don’t shift the responsibility to your partner. “Let’s avoid leaving love marks today” vs “my partner is uncomfortable with seeing love marks so now you can’t make them.”
Don’t, I repeat don’t, let yourself get stuck playing messenger between your partners. Playing telephone increases the possibility of major misunderstandings.
It’s your job to manage resources and needs. Don’t expect your partners to communicate their availability between each other. You’re the middle man.
Be honest about your capacity and when it changes.
If there are mutual agreements held between you and one partner that could affect another partner, make that known. You don’t have to disclose that it’s a mutual agreement, just that you’ve made the decision to do/not do x and it will affect your partner(s) in y way.
Don’t blame one partner when speaking to the other. Own your choices, actions, or lack of action. For example, don’t say you’re super tired during your date with A because B wanted to stay out late the night before. Nope, you knew what your schedule was. You chose to stay out late. Putting it on B only creates animosity between the metas.
Don’t force them to interact. If they don’t want a relationship with each other, that is their decision.
Figure out NOW how you’re going to handle things like Valentines, your birthday, and holidays. Does NP automatically get you on your birthday? Maybe NP gets Christmas, but other Partner gets NYE?
Discuss pretty quickly how publicly out you are going to be or not. Can your other partner post photos of you on social media? If you bump into colleagues, are you going to introduce them as friends?
Good hinges do their own research and don’t offload emotional labor. Thet keep their own calendar. They don’t expect metas to talk. They say yes and no to competing things based on their own personal desires and they’re honest about that fact.
A good hinge absolutely doesn’t bring drama from one relationship into another.
The biggest is knowing what your work is and not having your partners do it for you.
Good hinges can do the delicate balance of sharing information. So no over sharing, no pitting metas against each other, no lying or hiding.
Good hinges take responsibility for each relationship and negotiates each relationship independently. A good hinge take responsibility for their choices instead of throwing a partner under the bus for their own agreements. Think about the difference between ‘I’m not ready for an overnight, yet’ and ‘my wife won’t let me do overnights, yet’.
A good hinge keeps commitments. So no ditching dates for non-emergencies. And another partner having a bad day isn’t an emergency.
Not complaining/venting about problems in one relationship with the other partner
Not making comparisons, negative or positive. No “well Sandy does x”, no “you’re a much better listener than Sandy”, etc.
Generally best to avoid triangulation (“well Sandy agrees with me that you’re wrong about…”)
Choose partners who own their emotions and who have high emotional intelligence.
Figuring out the ability to listen between the lines and ask productive questions.
Write out my own boundaries for how I want to conduct myself. What are my values? What flavor of polyamory works best for me? What works best so that I am content in the experience? TherapistAid.com has worksheets for this. I wrote mine out like a poem. To each their own.
Before asking or demanding from others I need to ask myself how I would feel if the roles were reversed and whether it’s fair.
~
On Communication and Levels of Engagement
State your preferences for a conversation.
Topic: work, family, travel, sex, medical, etc.
Desired support(s): listening, problem solving, finding resources, deeper discussion.
Ask if now is a good time for them or when to schedule something in the next few days.
There are 3 levels of communication:
Communication – conveying information
Conversation – two-way interaction, where it’s important that we’re each getting the other’s information
Connection – where what you’re talking about is less important than the fact that you are really SEEING and UNDERSTANDING each other
These can be resolved with meta communication ahead of time, essentially communicating about the way you’d like to communicate. Like, instead of:
“I felt sad today” “Oh, no, I’m sorry to hear that.”
It would become “I had a tough day today, do you have time or desire to discuss and process that with me right now, or should it wait for later?” And then be open and encouraging of them truthfully expressing if they can’t be there for you right now so that they’re not pressured to engage in emotional labor when they’re not in that headspace.
Approach with “this is me, what is you, what are we both happy meeting in the middle at?”
Good communication and being a good conversationalist are not the same thing. Having good communication in a relationship means that you regularly have important conversations, even the uncomfortable ones. It means making sure everyone is able to express their emotions/opinions and to have those things understood by the other person. And being able to effectively understand where the other is coming from and negotiate/compromise on tough issues (if necessary or nor unreasonable) so that everyone is left satisfied.
~
On Whether Polyamory is a Choice or Identity
Being polyamorous involves adopting a set of ethical behaviors and beliefs. That is the choice part of it. How can an ethical framework possibly be inherent in anyone? Why it can feel integral to who you are, to your identity, is because you feel so strongly that you can’t be monogamous. But being monogamous is not innate. We just built a culture around the lie that it should be.
So what I would say I am is completely unable to be monogamous and happy at the same time. And I have no faith in the central assumptions of monogamy. I am non-monogamous in my core. I am poly by choice, because I want to be ethical. That is the only acceptable choice. But still a choice.
~
On Dating Highly Coupled Folx
I will date folks with a NP, but I’m very selective. I intentionally seek out those who are low hierarchy, high autonomy. I don’t immediately trust if folks SAY they are low hierarchy, but ask a slew of questions:
Can you do overnights?
Can you do vacations?
What agreements do you have with your NP that can impact me?
How long have you been doing poly?
Under what circumstances might you cancel a date?
Are you out as poly?
What are your thoughts on veto policies?
Do you need to check in before scheduling dates?
What’s your take on GPP / KTP?
What caused your other relationships to end?
What time do you have for a non-nesting partner?
Do you and your nesting partner socialize separately?
What makes polyamory work for your partner? And for you?
How did you come to open your relationship? What prompted it?
What work did you do before you opened?
In addition, taking it slow and getting to know people will help reveal what their relationship-structure is actually like — sadly it’s NOT always what people claim since it *does* happen that people claim to be more comfortable and lower hierarchy than they really are.
When I was solo poly I learned that asking someone the story of how they met and fell for each of their partners and what kind of future they’re planning with each other in a light storytelling vibe told me a lot and it was lighthearted and enlightening – I could see if they lit up or withdrew when speaking about them, whether they wanted to talk about them at all and why or why not, etc
~
On Interdependence and Avoidance + how they manifest in Polyam
A basic skill of being an adult having relationships in the world is the ability to break it off. Breaking up is essential to having ANY boundaries or self-respect. This is because… you can set a boundary like “if you do x, I will leave the room” but if you’re leaving rooms for a year and the other side isn’t changing, it needs to become “I will leave the relationship”.
~
On Dealing with Dates & Jealousy (Shrimpteeth)
Before: Connect, talk. Talk about what you and your partner needs when you return. (Ie your partner might need connection in a different form from you and you need to compromise something that works for both, my partner reconnects sexually and I do emotionally, so we cuddle and talk and play and so that I can reconnect sexually).
Also allow talking about the negative emotions. Jealousy and insecurities are normal. Let them know they are normal emotions and that they aren’t failing you by feeling those emotions. So I struggled with that and feeling like I was failing because of it, my partner didn’t get it and tried to logic me out of my feelings, then my partner stated having those emotions when I started talking and dating and then they understood that they just wanted to be heard and validated, and reassured that they aren’t failing and that I love them. So when we feel that way we reassure each other and let each other know it’s okay and conflicting emotions can exist at the same time meaning we can feel jealous or insecure and still feel compersion and joy at the same time. We also are both very clear that our emotions are not a tool to manipulate the others actions but rather a way to release those emotions and hold ourselves accountable (ie feeling jealous and that leaking out as anger or sadness).
During: I schedule me time, I shower and dye my hair, read books, play video games, play dress up, etc. Sometimes I wrote in my notes if I had intrusive thoughts, practiced mindfulness am I projecting, future telling, etc.
After: follow through on your reconnection plan.
It’s okay for that plan to change the next time if it doesn’t work right away.
After the after: debrief! Ask them how they felt about everything? Ask how reconnecting went for them? Ask them if their needs were met and what you can do to meet them? Also ask yourself the same questions and answer them with your partner.
Honestly I debrief with my partners after everything. Like even sex. What did you really enjoy, what did you not enjoy? Is there something you want me to try that I haven’t? And I ask myself the same questions. We are constantly evolving and growing and so we check in all the time.
We debrief after social stuff, therapy, play, dates etc. for us this works. It allows us to constantly grow and change.
~
On Common Mistakes & Stumbling Blocks
You can’t ever change yourself enough to overcome your partner’s flaws.
There are not enough books that you can read if your partner doesn’t care enough to research for themselves.
You can’t dig your partner out of a hole they love.
Healthy selfishness is prioritizing making sure your own needs are met before trying to meet everyone else’s. Unhealthy selfishness is prioritizing your own wants at the expense of others.
A lot of what people call selfish is actually self-destructive behavior. They are just looking at things too short term.
The idea that sacrifice is necessary or romantic might be rooted in some codependent, people pleasing tendencies. People with no boundaries who elect to self-sacrifice (martyr themselves) for what their partner wants. Or, often, what they think their partner wants, without actually having a conversation about it.
Not wanting to ask for reassurance and being all ‘‘I’m fine!!!’
Not knowing what my boundaries are
Not being self-aware enough and trying to force myself to feel however I ‘should’
Not asking enough questions to clarify situations and being confused in silence
Using a lot of energy people pleasing that should have been used to check in with myself
Not understanding the value of checking in
Not realizing how difficult being emotionally invested in multiple relationships can be. It is beautiful but confusing as hell at times.
Trying to treat everyone equally rather than individually based on needs and priorities.
Not recognizing the importance of active listening in communicating. Speaking honestly doesn’t accomplish anything if you aren’t empathizing and understanding each other.
Being afraid of ultimatums. It is okay to have deal breakers and that isn’t inherently unreasonable or manipulative.
Having poor communication and not being on the same page about what we wanted and where we saw the relationship going.
Not understanding that boundaries were something I had to set for myself and if someone says that they’re setting a boundary on you that’s not a boundary
Compromising too much on compatibility thinking that other partners can fill in the gaps.
Not daring to speak about new and potential partners as openly as an existing partner would like in fear of their jealous reaction.
Suppressing the desire to communicate at least a little bit while partner is with another partner for days.
not taking enough time to “date” and get to know myself after being monogamous for so long.
Not being in touch with my own feelings
Not putting myself first
Know your worth when doing all that dating.
Not knowing how to express boundaries or share any negative feelings, like hurt or insecurity
Not creating enough of a social circle that’s independent of my romantic partner(s).
Discounting partners’ feelings as ‘oh, you’re just jealous’ or ‘you want to control me’ when actually the point that is being made is unmet needs. Turning everything around as a ‘you problem’
Not owning up to your choices. ‘Meta wants/doesn’t want me to do this’ instead of ‘I want/I can’t offer that’.
Taking longer time partners for granted and thinking they somewhat need ‘less’ than new partners (less time, less reassurance, less romance, less need of feeling desired)
Not realizing people use certain terms relating to polyamory and yet have very different ideas about what they mean
Flirting is always ok. It’s about making the other person feel good. Having a goal or an expectation is hitting on someone and for that it’s good to be cautious and respectful.
~
On Boundaries and Agreements + Examples
I’m perfectly happy not to get my way many many times. But I do not compromise my autonomy. I’m CHOOSING what to care about and what to do about it.
You can, however, often find a solution for problems that simply removes the pain point. Many times removing the pain point doesn’t look at all like somoene winning. If you’re focused on the argument you’ll never find the solution.
Sometimes it helps to ask for/think of synonyms for synonyms to clarify shading. Accord, deal, bargain, concession. Which is closest?
Lots of people don’t realize that autonomy and personal responsibility are two sides of the same coin.
When two people want radically different things, there is not a lot of places for those two people to compromise.
I compromise on stuff all the time. However I have boundaries that I don’t compromise on. That’s part of being a healthy and autonomous adult and extends to all romantic relationship whether mono/poly as well as collegial, platonic, and familial relationships. Having boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t compromise. All healthy people have boundaries. Rules are for children and prisoners. People who can’t come to agreements that please them both regarding their relationship are incompatible (true in polyamory and monogamy).
I ask a lot of open ended questions, especially about the emotion underneath the concerns my partners have. Often times, discussing the emotions is all that is required to establish the connection and trust.
And, even when there is a difference of opinion, it helps to understand the motivations and insecurities of the other person(s) involved.
For me the big thing about agreements is that they enable everyone to do their best and to believe that everyone else is doing their best to respect each other and honor the relationship.
That’s simply a matter of compatibility. If you have to compromise away what matters to you in exchange for continuing the relationship, it’s likely going to burn anyway.
Compatible partners is the first and best step to autonomy and compromise. Finding people who want the same things is the most important part of doing mutually fulfilling relationships.
I don’t compromise on boundaries. Those are the limits of myself and anyone asking for compromise on those limits is not someone I want in my life.
There are some things that can’t and shouldn’t be a compromise. People compromising themselves into incompatible relationships are likely to be unhappy and feel a lack of autonomy.
Compromises mean people being manageably and comfortable uncomfortable.
I don’t understand why, when you have finite time and resources, you would want to waste them on partners who you have to “settle” on. I have many hobbies and interests. I value my time and energy very highly. I don’t want to waste it on people I have to deeply compromise on. I would rather do other things with my time, as I am fulfilled by many things in life. I don’t rely on other partners to fulfill me. I do that myself. – I appreciate this viewpoint but I don’t entirely agree with it, I do think “dating for potential” is not inherently bad. People can and do often bring out the best in each other.
Boundaries are Limits I place on myself. Some boundaries are hard lines that never change. Some Boundaries are more like self-imposed “rules” that you can renegotiate with yourself if things change.
Rules are Limits I place on someone else. (Rules are bad. We’re all adults here )
Agreements are Limits we mutually and enthusiastically agree to place on ourselves.
~
On Imbalance in Dating Success (also this + advice)
Does he actively cultivate a social life both outside of work and separate from you? A lot of “calm” men who have been highly coupled for a long time can grow to rely on functioning as a social unit with their partner because why deal with the discomfort of new situations alone when you can have a buddy do it with you?
He first of all needs to quit comparing himself. It’s not helpful.
And second, he should come up with some reasonable expectations of what polyamory is going to be like. He didn’t really do that before, evidently. It’s not easy to get a lot of dates with women, even for single men living alone.
So, in a typical scenario, a guy that hasn’t dated in 15 years, can’t host, relies entirely on apps, and isn’t offering some special skills in the bedroom or at least the time for a real relationship, is not going to meet with much or any dating success.
It’s almost as if being decent, kind, respectful, and not selfish makes you attractive both as a partner and a friend. The reverse is also true – if women don’t want to be friends with a man, they won’t want to date him either, and if a man doesn’t see value in platonic friendships with women, he’s not the kind of guy women want to be around in any capacity.
Hosting, how out you are, money and time for dates, and offering folks enough time to pursue their desires while still holding down the fort in their OG, primary relationship. Child care, who walks the dog and being able and willing to do overnights and trips.
The implication is that the best thing your male partner can do to make himself available as a good potential partner is to join a community. It can be an online community; an in-person poly community, or an in-person kink community (if he rolls that way).
It’s not that the bar is low, it’s that being a decent human being and treating women with respect seems to be difficult for most cis guys.
Just be kind, listen, and don’t make everything about you. You’ll be fine. Sounds like you care.
~
On Working Through Incompatibility or Ending It
I need a text or two every day, he did not. I expressed to him that if the simple effort couldn’t be given to me to have a good morning text (or a response to my good morning text to him) and a check in text about the day some point in the afternoon/evening (or a response to my check in text about his day) then it just wouldn’t be compatible with what I was looking for at the time.
He wasn’t worth dumping to me until after we had these conversations and I found out whether he was willing to work with me or not. Ultimately, if he was not willing to meet my needs a little with the communication, I would have dumped him. But I’m very glad I gave him the chance to step up.
Leaving me on read for a day when I texted him – red flag
If it’s important to you it’s not a stupid reason.
He’s showing you who he is, and it just doesn’t work for you. You can tell him why and hope he changes his behavior for the next person, but you are in no debt to keep trying for yourself.
I would chat with him and see if he can make some changes to make things more comfortable for you.
I’m a pretty “not needy” partner and the thought of dating someone who only considers me at all when we’re physically together sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Expecting to be paid for without addressing it out loud is what I consider high standards. Expecting someone you just started dating to take your unstated financial situation into consideration is in my mind, high standards.
I had a few relationships where I thought I could work through fundamental incompatibilities with partners. It never worked. Trust yourself more than your partner(s). Walk away when a person is giving you anxiety or depression.
Learn to put yourself first, all the time. That requires you to know yourself, your priorities, your vision. And it requires you the time, energy, and flexibility to say no safely to a lot of things.
What is a dealbreaker for me?
What can I tolerate even if I don’t love it?
What types of distress can I resolve by communicating w my partner?
What types of distress can I resolve by working on myself?
If you’re trying to suss out what flavor of negative something is, you’re already nowhere near a situation that will make you happy.
~
On Polyam Breakups & Rejection
Unfortunately with more relationships there comes just as much chance for heartbreak as there is the wonderful highs of love and NRE, that is the risk we take in living this way.
Please grant yourself kindness, and time, and patience as you heal from this. Our monogamous culture makes break-ups out to be some kind of personal failure when they are NOT. As humans, we grow and evolve and change over time — or not — and it is a natural thing for two people to not always grow in the same direction over time. Cherish the good times you had with him and remember those memories, but don’t beat yourself up for it coming to a natural end. You aren’t dumb or stupid, you’re uniquely, wonderfully you. And you’re HUMAN. You experienced the great rush of love and got to explore that. Be safe and revel in the love you do still have in your life.
Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. It might hurt for a while so don’t set a time limit.
When you begin to have those feelings around feeling stupid for allowing yourself to be vulnerable try to focus instead on the beautiful gift that is vulnerability and how amazing you are for being that way. People go their entire lives without ever knowing how to be vulnerable.
There will be a time when the pain and hurt start to subside. I try to tell myself that there are going to be people in my life that will love me that I haven’t even met yet
I believe it is because we frame it as rejection, when in reality it is the other person choosing to do what is right for them in that moment and isn’t about us. Why do we want to be with people that don’t want to be with us in the way we want them to be?
Because we are taught to view rejection as a personal failing rather than a mismatch of desires. Part of preventing rejection from hurting is a accepting that there are reasons they don’t want to accept that have nothing to do with you, and aren’t a reflection of your worth.
You’re sad because you had hopes, and now you have to grieve them. It’s okay to be disappointed.
Because you are human (I assume) and it hurts to be rejected. Always. The happiness you feel in one relationship doesn’t make up for the hurt you experience in another.
Rip off the band-aid. You can’t de-escalate if both people don’t want to do that. There is no easy or perfect way to breakup. There is no way to avoid pain if both people aren’t in agreement. The longer you let it drag out, the worse it becomes. You have already mentally decided on this breakup and now you need to finish it.
Breakups are smoothest when you make it clear there is no path to reunion. Depending on the circumstances, meet in a public place where you aren’t obliged to stay for an extended period. Say something like “As we discussed, this relationship isn’t working for either of us. At this point, I’m no longer see a point to trying to fix this and am pulling the plug. I appreciate what we had and bear you no malice. If possible I would like us to be friends, or at least civil, but even to do that, I think we need a break from each other.” And then you set the time for your no contact break (at least a month. And then you walk away and you stick with the no contact. You don’t answer their calls. You don’t text. If you need to do an exchange of property, you do that with absolute minimal contact, etc.
~
On Coping with Stress
Name it, own it, ask for hugs.
Check your relationship focus- are there things in that relationship which you got lazy on or should tighten focus on in your security and enduring you are creating what you want?
Check your compartmentalizing- friends can be messy, are you mentally making space for these new connections and creating separations between expectations?
Check your baggage- are these feelings actually about this situation at all or are they really just past crap you are ready to work through?
Check your basics- meds, sleeps, food, pain, are you taking care of your body as best you can so stresses can be stretched through easier?
Check your vision, values, priorities- why did you choose polyamory and intimacy to support independent relationships? How does this enable your vision of who you want to become?
One of my most important ones is “you can’t solve the anxiety from inside the anxiety spiral” or maybe “the anxiety lies, solve things when you’re calmer”.
Communicate that you are overwhelmed by or confused by or stressed by your feelings. Let them know that you are having a tough time and are probably not making the best decisions/fully thinking things through at the moment.
~
On Racism, POC, & Doing Better as a White Person in Polyamory
We need to do better.
Here are some simple ideas:
- Educate ourselves. Listen to POC when they speak. engage with POC content creators to learn more about common issues that affect various minority communities. Learn to throw away some really common assumptions we have about the world when POC tell them that said assumptions don’t hold up to their reality. Learn to think deeper about the reality that POC live in.
- Get that “white savior” complex bullshit out of our head. This is easier done than said, and takes time, because this is a very persuasive form of cultural programming. Accidentally being a patronizing asshole, and accidentally committing micro-aggressions is still racism of the institutional kind, even if it’s not direct personal bigotry.
- Get that respectability politics bullshit out of our heads. POC have enough problems without having to worry about keeping up appearances 24/7. When POC have a bad day, and have an outburst over racial issues, keep in mind that most white people complain a lot louder, a lot faster, about much smaller problems. Even white people who deal with major systemic issues, like ableism, sexism, or classism, or whatnot have more freedom to express their emotions than POC in the same communities, because POC experience the “double jeopardy” factor of experiencing multiple forms of bigotry, simultaneously, and by matter of having a different skin color, are picked out of a lineup even faster than other minorities. As a Neurodivergent individual, I get a lot of systemic ablest bullshit, and that sucks. But on a good day, I can deflect some of it by “pretending to be normal”. There is no amount of “pretending to be white” that will deflect racial bigotry to the same degree, as “pretending to be normal/masking” can do as a short-term deflection against ablest attacks, because it’s simply impossible to hide your skin color IRL. And yes, it is possible to hide your skin color online. But shit, that’s like fucking exhausting dude. And that turns into an accessibility issue, as POC shouldn’t have to have separate subreddits from white folk to feel safe talking about niche subcultures.
- Fuck performative virtue signaling. Re-read #2 if you don’t know what I mean.
- Admit that you will fuck up, and often, and committee to keep on trying. Over. And Over. Again. Because while you only have to deal with bigotry/Racism here and there, POC have to deal with it EVERY. DAMN. DAY.
- Know the difference between “ally” and “comrade”. An comrade is someone in the trenches with you, fighting the exact same fight. An ally is someone who has the option to help, or not to help in a given struggle, and likewise, has their own choice of strategy, and tactics. For example, all Poly people have to deal with heteronormative/monogamous societal norms that lead to ignorant & bigoted bullshit thrown in our direction. But in the realm of racial politics, ethnically white Poly people, at best are allies to POC. White folk get to choose which battles they engage in when it comes to racial issues. POC do not. As such, responsible white allies of POC need to be well-informed, and vigilant in they allyship to be of any good. Because as anyone who’s into sports (or online games) can tell you, there is nothing more fucking frustrating than a teammate who doesn’t listen, and who’s efforts are actively counter-productive.
- Giving POC creators/community members who have good ideas on how to improve our community a signal boost, be it in the way of an upvote, word of encouragement, share, view, or subscription on social media can sometimes be helpful. However, you can still be a massive fuck up while doing this, as doing this doesn’t give you a pass to not examine your own biases and assumptions, so try not to let “but I watch POC youtubers” a lot become part of your vocabulary, because it’s basically the same damn thing as saying “but I have a POC friend”
- In the spirit of not being a condescending, patronizing. asshole myself, I will be more than happy to accept public (by comment) or private (by DM) criticism of the above recommendations directed at white folks. I am by no means a subject matter expert. I am not black. I’m a well-meaning ally who is rather hoping that this comment is at least passably well-aimed. I am fully committed to listening and learning to be better if my aim is even in the slightest off here, as well as if there were any major points that I ignored, or failed to emphasize enough.
~
Character is behavior over time.
You shake hands, thank them for the initial series of “getting to know you” dates, and move it along and don’t make more.
I get dating is a process, it can be long looking for quality matches, disappointing to start investing and then have to pull back out, etc.
And maybe you want to have another set of personal standards for a casual hook up or FWB while still looking for a poly partner if you want.
But don’t LOWER you standards on the poly partner. Keep those high. Weed out people faster.
I am looking for A’s here. Because it will decline over time after the NRE fades out/under stresssy times. And I’m ok getting B’s for normal time.
I’m not getting out of bed for less than an A though to start the initial series of dates to see if I want to buy in. Dating a high B, that ends up low B? Ok. Maybe.
But a dating a low B that ends up C? Or worse, a C that ends up D when the NRE is over? I don’t want to just SURVIVE my poly partner with bare bones “passing grade. ” I want to THRIVE with them.
I’m not devaluing people, or turning my nose up at them. Sometimes people just have life things happen. Nobody’s fault. But then I wonder why they are trying to date when all stressed? It’s not offering themselves as healthy dating partners.
A healthy relationship that is reciprocal, two way street relating with no bullshit.
~
On Frustration in Dating (Bonus: Cultivating Attractive Traits)
Two things: confidence and boundaries.
I wonder what would happen if you started preparing your life for the partner(s) you know is coming. If you met the right person tomorrow is there anything about your life that you’d want to change? Do you live in the place you’d want to host them, have the life you think would mesh with theirs? If there are any small changes maybe start there. Maybe it takes a few years but they are coming.
Would you want to travel with them? Where? Do you know that language? Is there a hobby you fantasize about sharing with a partner? Have you maxed out your knowledge and skill at it? Do you daydream about a certain kind of personal style or certain kind of food happily coupled you would wear or cook? Are you in therapy? Working on your meditation practice? Whatever things the best and most happy you would do: do them now. Because you’re awesome now.
Maybe spending a lot more time on you will draw the person or people a little faster. And maybe it will encourage you to drop anyone who doesn’t support that long term vision of you. Anyone who doesn’t already think you’re the cats pajamas. Take that extra date time and date yourself.
I get much higher quality attention being assertive, having boundaries, and not being scared to leave a situation that is no longer serving me. People are ATTRACTED to people who have respect for themselves, who cultivate an abundance mindset (even if faked at first), and who go for what they want and aren’t just doormats for other people.
A lot of this has to do with self-esteem, and understanding your worth as a person.
To move past these feelings you have to be all right with being alone because you love yourself way too much to be trapped, used or disrespected by anyone, for any reason. Right now you are giving away your greatest power (and I don’t mean in the kink arena). This is a power only you possess to live a rich, wonderfully textured and fulfilling life NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS OR THINKS ABOUT YOU.
When you validate yourself and know that you are worthy of love for no other reason than your brilliant, singular existence, you no longer require the external validation of anyone.
This. When you create boundaries (including boundaries on your own behavior!), you start moving through life in a different way. Things that aren’t in alignment with you will start falling off, and new, better things will take their places.
Speak to yourself with kindness. Fall in deep love with yourself.
Bonds that can’t meet your needs are wasting time you could use finding someone who wants the same things as you with you.
How great someone is has nothing to do with their romantic compatibility with YOU, remember that and don’t be afraid to set boundaries.
For me, what has helped is to really embrace what brings me joy. To actively try and be present in the things I love. To indulge my inner child, to nurture and care for them, to laugh and cheer; to show up for myself.
Even when it’s hard, when it feels impossible, when it feels like the opposite of what you “should” be doing, learn to show up for yourself and keep showing up for yourself.
~
On Standards
I require all of my relationships to meet the same standards. That’s why I’ve only got two. Many years, I only had one.
That you have others is no excuse for a mediocre relationship.
Having a lot of options for relationship structure sometimes just gives you a lot of different ways to try pretending that things are better than they are.
Being poly doesn’t mean you keep people hanging around just because.
You can still have and maintain your personal standard for what is worth your time and what is not.
Mature relationships are a lot of saying no.
A lot of people mistake “flow organically” for “never invest, and be surprised by the results”.
You are willing to put more energy in to see what happens. They are not. So end it. Be more clean cut about it.
You don’t have to keep prioritizing holding space for them while they want to keep you for a “maybe last option.”
Another one is, “Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.”
They aren’t that into you. You deserve better.
If it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a no. Applies to basically anything, doubly so to your relationships.
If you feel like you’re carrying a whole relationship, just put it down.
If you’re not having needs met, or aren’t feeling it – mono or poly – you have reason enough to end it. Period.
If you are spending your energy giving to a situation that isn’t rewarding to you, you are robbing yourself.
~
On Attachment
I’m good at being secure except to avoidant people. They lead me to be anxious, it’s usually healthier for me to exit those relationships.
I lean towards secure (and lean avoidant at the worst of times), and sex is NOT what triggers envy, jealousy or insecurity. What triggers me is more related to my partners having cute routines with other partners, sharing tender moments and looks, snuggling together in the morning, cooking for each other, looking into each other’s eyes during deep conversations that make them think “they really understand me,” pebbling memes and videos related to their inside jokes, etc etc. The intimate and romantic elements. Sex is whatever.
The envy was rooted in an unmet desire, rather than wanting someone else not to have something.
Exactly because I am secure, I trust these people chose me for a reason and actually love me and have committed to me maturely and knowingly, and what I have with them doesn’t rely on me removing other options from them.
More like if you love yourself and feel secure, then it’s not a problem to “allow” your partner to see other people because ultimately, a) you know you’ll be just fine by yourself no matter what happens, b) you trust them and your relationship with them enough that you don’t feel threatened.
The people I love aren’t just sleeping with other people. They are falling in love with them. Building relationships. Taking trips, and going to concerts. Spending holidays with them and meeting their families.
They absolutely will spend lots of time away from me, and they will absolutely have aspects of that relationship that are private, and yes, they might fall out of love with me, or love one or two of their partners more than they love me.
I know this sounds strange, but shitty feelings are good. They inform you about yourself and your boundaries and limits. Sometimes they tell you something is wrong, and sometimes…they lie. In these cases it’s important to reflect and examine where certain emotions come from and why they are lying to you.
Bottom line: it takes growth. And the growth is a constant struggle. Nobody ever finishes growing. Read, meditate, philosophize, go to therapy. Do what you need to grow yourself.
Even secure attachment folk can be in relationships that cause them to act anxious or avoidant due to incompatibility.
~
On Veto Power
The point is I don’t want to date anyone who would give their partner the ability to unilaterally end a relationship they aren’t in. I don’t want to date someone whose primary doesn’t trust them to take care of their relationship without a kill switch. If your primary feels that way about you, why on earth would I trust you in a secondary relationship?
Letting go of the idea that my “primary” partner was “most valuable” and that nothing should ever make either of us uncomfortable.
We both really wanted polyam. More than we wanted monogamy, for sure, but also more than we valued each other’s constant comfort.
Our relationship was primary as long as we both invested in it. And it was primary for as long as we both prioritized it.
And we both accepted that there would be people that we might love madly, and that might change our marriage.
We were absolutely hierarchal. And we tossed away our veto super early.
~
On Emotional Intimacy, Enmeshment, and Internalizers
“Although emotional intimacy and enmeshment can look superficially similar, these two styles of interaction are very different. In emotional intimacy, two individuals with fully articulated selves enjoy getting to know each other at a deep level, building emotional trust through mutual acceptance. In the process of getting to know each other, they discover and even cherish differences between them. Emotional intimacy is invigorating and energizes people toward personal growth as they enjoy the interest and support of another person”
“Their entire personality longs for emotional spontaneity and intimacy, and they can’t be satisfied with less.”
“It’s a powerful hunger to connect heart to heart with a like-minded person who can understand them. They find nothing more exhilarating than clicking with someone who gets them. When they can’t make that kind of connection, they feel emotional loneliness.”